I am asking this question myself. I feel like I became one in the past few years. I was not one before.
What happened with me?
How did I become like this?
Somehow, I turned from being an extrovert with many friends, to someone who enjoys the quiet of the solitude. I may have social anxiety, I may dislike being surrounded by many people, I may hate when I am the subject of the talk while in a group conversation. I feel like I shut myself down for no reason. I KNOW I am fun and funny, with good sense of humor and positive vibes. I am sure that I can entertain the one/s around me and I agree that I am not boring.
While the second part is engraved in my mind, on the outside I am the introvert. The one who is serious and does not open about anything. I can blame society, family, friends, classmates or co-workers..but they are not the reason. I am! It is my fault.
The worst part is that I see people taking an interest in me, either asking questions or information, and I just shut them down. I do not reveal anything, I avoid the conversation and the long eye stare. I know they want to be friendly and devellop a friendship of some sort, but I am unable to continue and accept it.
I am friendly, I am cool, I am fun. On the inside.
Finding myself in this situation is the worst, because not only gives me a bad vibe, but it also makes me more tired and gets me out of my confort zone. My confort zone is me, alone, with my thoughts where I feel safe and where no one can hurt me philysically and emotionally. I don’t think I am a vulnerable person, yet I somehow feel weak in front of other people’s words. They may not be my close friends, nor people I regularely hang out with, yet I sense that they some power to hurt me. But I ask myself..What can they tell me that will make me feel so bad ?
I am smart, I have a career, I make a good living, I go out, I socialize, I travel, I don’t have a girlfriend, I am brutally honest, I tend to shut people down, I do not accept friendships so easily, I…I..woops.
I only befriend people who make me feel good, have a good vibe or can be of use in different situations. Yet, I offer nothing in exchange, but my gratitude. And, unfortunatelly, I am grateful only on the inside. I do not say it, I do not make it felt and it just passes. Then I am left with a regret.
I am sorry for not being better and for not being able to express myself. I enjoy your company and friendship and I give my best to have a good time. With you, with me, with them.